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Žiūrinėdama šito blogelio statistiką (jei jau vėl imuosi peckeliot, tai nusprendžiau prasichekint, kas per kontingentas čia beužsuka), pastebėjau, kad žmonės, ieškodami ko nors Internete, nesivargina ten su jokiais keywords, o rėžia Google tiesiai-šviesiai į kaktą visą klausimą taip, kaip klaustų kaimyno. Google arba sutrinka baisiai, arba nukreipia juos pas mane kažkur, į senovines rašliavas apie jaunas girtas dienas, kur yra paminėta kažkas susijusio, ir, o varge, tie vargšeliai neranda, ko tikėjosi…

Pagailo man tų ieškojimų kančiose paskendusių žmogelių, nusprendžiau atsakyt į juos kamuojančius klausimus. Kalba netaisyta ;)

The most popular of all times:
- kaip kurti sablona blogui - aš tai nekuriu, aš paimu egzistuojantį ir pasitvarkau, kaip man gražu. Eksperimentavimo džiaugsmas ;)
- kokie mikriuku marsrutai vilniuj - nuuu, daug yra. Aš tai žinau 6, jis važiuoja Saulėtekis-Stotis, tai man iš Antakalnio patogu iki centro su juo palėkt.  O šiaip tai žiūrėk, kas užrašyta ant mikriuko, ten jie dažniausiai ir nuveža. Jei nežinai, kur važiuot, lauk mikriuko su užrašu AKROPOLIS, sako, ten galima gyvent ;)
- gala ar mikrovisata? - nenaudoju nė vieno, gal klientai šių įmonių pakomentuotų?
- kaip kepti vaflius? - žiūrėk čia, viskas labai aiškiai papasakota.
- kodel boruze taskuota - aš nežinau, o wikipedia nerašo…
- how evil are you? - Ooo, šitą galiu tiksliai tiksliai pasakyt, va čia skaityk ;)
- kas yra blogas - aš rašiau va čia, o aiškiausiai paaiškinta va čia.

The most amusing of all times:
- 2 dvd filmus i 1 dvd irasyti moku, kaip juos paleist is pirmo puslapio - net neisivaizduoju…
- and the winner is… - always right ;)
- ant kokio pirsto pirstis - pirškis merginai, o ne ant piršto…
- ar daromi ranksluosciai su foto - daromi, kiek žinau tai Fotofabrike, radau tau tiksliai.
- ar sveika snekėtis su savim - aišku, juk šnekiesi su pačiu protingiausiu žmogum ;)
- kur as tai maciau - kažkur, man atrodo ;)
- kokia gefilus jogurto sudetis - patarčiau paimti indelį ir paskaityti. Jei skaityt nemokat, paprašykit, kad jums perskaitytų pirmas pasitaikęs žmogus parduotuvėj.
- kodel matula uzdraude krepsini? - klausia mūsų lankytojas iš Kauno/Panevėžio/Balbieriškio. Atsakome: čia dar nieko, palaukite, uždraus tuoj ir alų :)
- kodel vaikas rankytes laiko kaip pingviniukas - matyt, jam taip patogiau. Ir žinokit, gydytojas visada jums pasakys daugiau nei Google.

Buitiniai klausimai - patarčiau dėl visų šitų kreiptis į Namų Darkytoją, kai tik jinai grįš iš atostogų. O kol kas pabandysiu ir aš padėti :)
- koki lygintuva pirkti -  aš su technika nebendrauju, aš ją tik gadinu.
- ar reikia rišti česnakus - gal nepabėgs jie, nerišk.
- ar kaktusai nekenkia sveikatai - nepažįstu žmonių, kurie būtų pasakoję, kad jiems pakenkė jų kaktusai. Tai gal nekenkia. Mažiau žiūrėkite siaubiakų.
- ar issiskalbia apelsinu sultys? - tikrai taip. Kaip ir visos kitos sultys.
- ka valgyti pries isgertuves - ooo, klausimas reikalaujantis eksperto atsakymo.
- kaip atskirti gerą dantų pasta - tik nepirk Blend-a-Med, Riaubiškyte pavirsi…
- kokie miltai geriausiai tinka pyragams - žinau, žinau, man daug kartų sakė Namų Darkytoja, kad bet - kokie produktai labiausiai tinka naudoti švieži :)
- kaip atrodo raktas - nedidelis, geležinis. Pabandyk Google Image Search :)
- kaip išvirti eziukus miltinius - paimi ežiuką, pavolioji miltuose, ir į puodą…

Psichologiniai:
- kaip išgydyti paranoją - o kam ją gydyt? Atsargumas gėdos nedaro.
- ar moterims patinka vyrai su pėdkelnėm - kol jos nežino, kad jie su pėdkelnėm.
- aš įsimylėjau, kaip prisipažinti - žodžiu, raštu, arba daina :)
- kodėl autopilotas is karto neveiks - nes jam irgi reikia praktikos.
- kieno vaikyste buvo bloga? - ne mano.
- kaip daznai galvoji tu? - aš tai nuolat. Bet žinok, girdėjau, kad per daug galvoti nesveika :)
- kaip man sekasi? - jei dar gali paklausti, tai gal neblogai. Bet kitai vertus, jei neturi pas ką paklausti, o tik pas Google, gal ir nelabai…
- kaip pasakyti kandidatui ,kad jo nepasirinko - mandagiai. Ir pasiūlykite nosinaitę.
- kas man sekasi geriausiai - klausinėti :)
- kiek vyru nesioja pedkelnes - aš labai labai tikiuosi, kad nedaug…

Kompiuteriniai/Techniniai - čia mano žinios silpnos, bet manau, jei suklysiu, mane būtinai pataisys asai :)
- ar galima irasyti ant pusiau tuscio cd - jei jis rewritable, tai galima.
- ar firewall apsimoka naudoti - aš tai nenaudoju. Bet manim nepasikliauk - aš ir antiviruso nenaudoju…
- kaip palikt dainoj tik garsa? - išimt žodžius :)
- kaip prijungti macbook prie projektoriaus - sekantis klausimas.
- kiek kainuoja telefonu pakrovejai - jei reikia vienam kartui, 10 litų. Jei reikia daugkartiniam naudojimui, nuo 50.
- kaip klausyti taksistu racijos - įsėdi į taksi, ir klausai. Tikrai verta, įdomiai jie ten kartais pasišneka :)
- kokios programos reikalingos pc - visos, kuriomis žadi naudotis.

Darbiniai:
- ar šiandien nesutrumpinta darbo diena - šiandien tai tikrai ne.
- kas yra darbas - toks mistinis žvėris, kurį visi pažįsta, apsimeta, kad mėgsta, bet gerą turi nedaug kas. Ypač dabar.
- jeigu gavosi balansas, buhalterijoje - tai reiškia viskas gerai :)
- uz ką atsakingi korporatyvinių reikalų direktoriai? - už korporatyvinius reikalus, žinoma.
- ka daryti isejus is darbo - tik nepadekite buvusios darbovietės. Visa kita galima :)
- kaip pasiulyti kysi - paslapčiomis.
- kaip prastumti laika darbe - skaityti tokius ilgus įrašus bloguose, kaip šitas :)
- kaip+uzdirbti+milijona - neprastūminėti laiko.
- kas geriau nemegstamas ar megstamas darbas? - manau, geriau mėgstamas. Nors gal bus nesutinkančių.
- kas tas invoisas - sąskaita-faktūra. Čia rimtas atsakymas.
- kas traukia žmones į kazino - žr. klausimą kaip+uždirbti+milijoną :)
- kas yra administratore - ypatinga žmonių rūšis.
- ko klausia per antrankas anglu kalba - visko tik angliškai. Ir atsakyti reikia angliškai.
- kodėl į šią poziciją turėčiau priimti jūs, o ne ką nors kita? atsakymo reikia - nes kas nors kita yra labai neapibrėžta.
- kur eiti ant tento ar ant šaldytuvo - ooo, klausia vairuotojas, tikrai žinau. Kiek atsimenu iš savo ilgametės patirties darboholikų klube, geriau eiti ant tento. Šaldytuvas toks daiktas - apsižioplinsi neįjungsi, kol atveši žuvis iš Klaipėdos, smirdės visa autostrada :)

Iš gyvenimo:
- ko noriu dovanu - ko negavai pernai.
- kaip apsimauti pėkelnes - atsargiai. Ypač jei nagai netvarkyti.
- kas yra budvardis - kalbos dalis. Bent jau buvo, kai mokykloj mokiaus. Kas ten žino, ką galėjo kalbos - komisija pakeist nuo tų laikų vadovėliuose.
- kas yra dvasine ir materialine dovana - dvasinę dovaną dovanoji, kai neturi pinigų. Materialinę dovanoji, kai neturi nieko, išskyrus pinigų.
- kas yra romantikas - žmogus su keliais drugeliais galvoje :)
- ar pavojinga kad kitas asmuo zino mano asmens koda ir banko saskaita - pavojinga. Jei jau norite kam nors pasakyti, tai bent ne už dyką :)
- ar galioja autobuso, troleibuso bilietai seno pavyzdzio - jau nebe.
- apranga einant i operos ir baleto teatra - teatrališka.
- kaip katės miega - elegantiškai.
- iki kada galioja mano omni kortele - kol tvarkingai mokėsi omniui :)
- ka dovanoti astuoniasdesimtmeciui - į galvą lenda tik juodas humoras. Šiais laikais kiekvienas labiausiai apsidžiaugs gavęs pinigų. Pridėkit dar vaistinės nuolaidų kortelę/dovanų čekį, kad solidžiau atrodytų :)
- ka pasas reiskia zmogui ? - iš tikrųjų tai nedaug.
- ka reiskia fraze “my heart will go on” - kad išgirdus jos tęsinį, gali prireikti į WC.
- kada mire briusly - 1973, sako wiki.
- kaip elgtis baulingo klube - klaustum, kaip boulingo, tai papasakočiau. Bet baulingo niekad neteko lankytis…
- kada skaivos jasevičiūtės gimtadienis - net nenoriu žinot. Įtariu, kokią 02.14 ar 11.01… Negali gi žvaigždės turėti gimtadienių paprastą dieną.
- kaip išdurti bamba - vienu judesiu.
- kaip mama darydavo - nu kaip tik ji nedarydavo…
- kaip sveisti vonia - čia tai jau tiksliai tuo adresu kreipėtės.
- kaip puosiasi turkijos nuotakos - daug blizgučių, auskariukų, grandiniukų, pakaruoklių, būtinai nuogas pilvas ir visokios šlikinės medžiagos. Riesti bateliai.
- kaip užsisegti sąsagas - įkiši, prakiši ir užsegi.
- kaip priderinti pedkelnes - jei eisi su sijonu, derink prie jo. Jei be sijono, dar geriau - gali derinti prie batų, rankinės ar kelnaičių :)
- kas buvot lietuvos kino studijos atrankoje aktoriu - nebuvau, nes mane tik vieną ir atrinktų. Visiems vaidmenims :)
- kas klauso lietucio - vaikučiai.
- kas gero ir idomaus paskaityt - kartoju, blogus skaitykit.
- kas yra kompromatas - geras būdas uždirbti milijoną. Jei geras kompromatas.
- kiek iki dvarkiemio - nedaug, vos iš Vilniaus išvažiuosi, ir pamatysi - kairėj pusėj toks didelis tvartas.
- kiek kainuoja istojimas i oriflame - nerekomenduoju…
- kokia tekila yra geriausia ir kokie kokteiliai daromi su tekila? - geriausia tekila yra nemokama. Su tekila tinka beveik viskas, svarbu, pakankamai būtų tuose kokteliuose tekilos :)
- kur galima sustoti trišalėje sankryžoje - vienoj iš trijų šalių. Ketvirtos taigi nėra.
- kur gauti seb slaptazodziu kortele - man tai banke davė.
- kur randama paso serija? - pase.
- kur rasti gera durų skambutį - nežinau, man vyras nupirko.
- kur rasti gerą vietelę - paslaptis.

Retorinis:
- kur ritasi pasaulis - dar neradau atsakymo, bet užsuk dažniau, nes kai rasiu, būtinai parašysiu.

Dar turiu perspėti poną Priegaidį - esate paieškomas :) Net 12 kartų kažkas įtarė, kad slepiatės pas mane, ieškojo priegaidis site:blogas.lt/redvel. Aš viešai ir oficialiai atsiriboju nuo bet kokios nusikalstamos Jūsų veiklos :) Bet Jūs per daug nenusiminkit, pas mane ir Obamos kažkas ieškojo :) Tik jis, matyt, dar nespėjo tiek prisidirbt, jo tik 6 kartus searchino :) Ir dar džiaukitės, kad nesat Philipsas, kažkas jo jau ieško su išankstiniu sprendimu “žudyk philips” :)

Ir pabaigai:
- ka as galiu padaryti zemes labui - neuždavinėti klausimų Google - sutaupysi elektros ;)

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Komentarai (676)

  1. July:

    ‘paimi ežiuką, pavolioji miltuose, ir į puodą’
    ne nu.. cha cha cha..

  2. wow ((: cia tai jau tikrai atsakymai i VISUS gyvenimo klausimus. Pavarei, redvel

  3. Priegaidis:

    Ačiū už perspėjimą. Savo ruožtu viešai ir oficialiai pareiškiu, kad gerb. RedVel nėra ir niekada nebuvo susijusi su jokia mano nusikalstama veikla. Mūsų nusikalstamos veiklos yra absoliučiai tarpusavyje nesusijusios, todėl panašios insinuacijos yra niekuo nepagrįstos, o jomis paremtos prielaidos netvarios lyg kortų namelis uragano Anatolijus akivaizdoje.

  4. chi chi:))) priegaidis turėjo sunerimti:)))

    aš tai niekad nesitikrinu keyword’ų (nes tingiu), bet va tokie įrašai priverčia pasižiūrėti ir savo statistiką.

  5. Shiny, kad ir kokio būčiau bjauraus charakterio, visgi širdis mano gera, todėl reikia žmonėm padėt. Be to, skaitydama tuos keyword, nu negalėjau praleist progos pasidalint kai kuriais perliukais :)

    Viktorija, kažkodėl nemanau, kad priegaidis dėl ko nors kada nors apskritai pergyventų :)
    Pasižėk, tikrai rasi linksmumynų :)

  6. niekad negali žinoti tų žmonių.
    einu, pasižiūrėsiu į ‘linksmumynus’ :D

  7. kadangi tamstelė pateikiat atsakymus į visus gyvenimo klausimus, sakau, gal turit kur užanty vieną kitą patarimą ir žmogeliams, kurie pas mane atkeliauja norėdami sužinoti(necenzūruota!!!):
    - ka valgyti, kad padidetu varpa
    - kaip teisingai pasizaisti su savo varpa
    - ar galima kvepalais kvepinti varpa
    - ka daryti jei mano vaikino varpa per didelė?
    - keik kainuoja pridėti varpai 4 cm?
    - kaip daryti mankštą kad didetų varpa?
    ir t.t.
    Tenka pripažinti, gal ir nelabai padoru, bet aktualu… Per dieną bent vienas žmogelis tokių klausimų kankinamas užsuka į svečius. O aš, neišmanėlis, neturiu ką atsakyt… Tik kikenu pamatęs google “keywordus” ir tiek…

  8. O kaipgi, aišku turiu ir tokių patarimų :) Jau ir atsakiau.

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